Lost (2012)

It’s been quite awhile since I last posted… no real excuse. I’ve said it before, BUSY! I’ll not apologize for putting my family first.

A lot has happened over the past year. Personnaly, it’s been a long year. The loss of my brother  has affected me in ways I never imagined possible. Depression certainly reared its ugly head on many occasions, sending me into a world of darkness I never knew existed. Thank the good Lord for friends and the patience of a loving and supporting family. My wife and children never waivered; always there for me, even as I tried pushing them away. I don’t suppose I really accepted how I was affected as a whole. Capt. Wines’ recent loss of a cousin within a week of the one year anniversary of my brother’s death was surreal for me. I can’t explain it, but on some level I was better able to face my emotions and accept what had happened to me by expressing my understanding of his families’ loss. Thanks, again, for sharing, Capt….


The place I should have been able to run to wasn’t very receptive either. My status at the fire department wasn’t what I wanted it to be. Three years of turmoil that I often seemed to be tied to. I’m generally not a trouble maker, but I kept finding myself as the focus or target of some organizational issues. Rather than confront the issues, I chose to ignore them, blaming those above me for being poor leaders. Hindsight: be good follower and lead up. Granted, I did receive some emotional satisfaction from antagonizing a few people above me…I’m not totally innocent! Bottom line is that I wasn’t doing what is right for the organization. As an officer, I have an obligation to always try and do the right thing. Discovering that your Chief is talking hate and discontent about you behind your back is painful. On some level I earned it, or at least opened a door for it, but to use it as an excuse for a poor attitude is something I’m not proud of.


One of the brighter moments, and something that always seems to refocus me, was this year’s recruit academy. I participated as a company officer again and as predicted, I had a fantastic experience. A burden in many respects, but the batteries got recharged, making it worth the price paid in time. And a renewed focus on why I am here was certainly welcome…


So as I continue to mend my evil ways and heal my damaged soul, perhaps I will gain some positive momentum in the blogging arena. Sharing has always been therapeutic for me….


To close, I want to thank some of the other people that have chosen to share and in doing so have aided in my recovery and helped me find the path that I want to be on…